Lateral Shift

The “D” day arrived.
As it increasingly became difficult to hire laterally, the Company had decided to choose the head of recruitment through lottery. There were no takers for the job.

The senior managers assembled in the conference room. The anxiety and tension was palpable. Everyone gasped as the chairman picked the name from the pot. My worst nightmare happened. It was my name!!

I collapsed as my colleagues gave me sympathetic look. My boss consoled me and took me back to my chair. He told me not to lose heart and gave me some tips. As he ushered me to “my cabin”, I had a strange feeling of going to the gallows.

The day used to start with me sending thousands of “applications” to the potential candidates only to see no response. Some responses were very furious and threatened me not to solicit and keep away from them. Some candidates even sent legal notices for aggressively soliciting them and destroying their peace.

Days followed with no luck. I started losing my mental balance. My boss used to come once in a way to console me. He asked me to try harder; else I may lose my job!

“Eureka”! I shouted on a Monday morning. A candidate had accepted to see me. My colleagues congratulated me.

He had asked me to come to “Coffee Day” at Indiranagar at 8:00 AM sharp on Friday. I just could not contain my happiness. I distributed sweets and took my family for a dinner at one of the most expensive restaurants.

I woke up at 5:00 AM on Friday. I was nervous and anxious. Wearing one my most expensive suits, I looked at the mirror as I sprayed imported cologne. “I am looking smart today”, I complimented myself. I was at Coffee Day at 7:30 AM. I again checked if the offer letter was ready and the portable printer was working well.

I started losing hope as I looked at my watch. It was 10:00 AM and still no sign of the candidate.

Finally at 10:30 he arrived. I could not miss him as I had his photograph, which was inserted in his resume, etched in my memory. He was wearing a faded jeans and T shirt. Just like other candidates, he had worn his cap opposite way. The “Hawaii” slippers also looked faded.

“Can we move to the smoking section?”

“Sure”, I cursed myself failing to notice cigarette in his hand. I scrambled myself picking the laptop and the printer and walked behind him.

I spent one full hour carefully presenting our Company credentials to him. I made sure to stress the employee benefits. I was tempted to ask some questions on his experience, but didn’t dare to do so.

“Not bad”. He said approvingly. “Can I have some references?”

I felt relieved and jubilated. “Sure”. I had already kept the references ready to take the call, just in case.

I left the area and went outside as he talked to all the three references leisurely. My heart was pounding!!

“You guys have some good references”. He smiled as I walked in after he gestured to come in.

I returned his smile, shyly.

“OK, do you have the offer?” He looked serious.

I immediately took the print out and handed over to him. I stood with folded hands looking at his expressions.

“You have given only 215% increase. Though I had asked 200%, some companies offer significantly more than that”. He really looked upset.

“It is still more than your expectations.” I whimpered.

“OK, I will get back to you in couple of weeks. I need to go now.”

“Thank you for your time.” I left hoping for the best.

My joy knew no bounds when he got back to me after three weeks. He had accepted the offer!! My job was saved.

It was a festive day for the entire recruitment team on the day of joining.

The photographers were ready in the reception and the front desk ladies were having a garland in hand. The admin guys were busy rolling the red carpet.

As the clock ticked, my heart pounded faster. It was 9:00 AM and there was no trace of him. His cell phone was switched off. Based on my interview experience, I asked my colleagues to be calm. But our hopes faded around 12:30 noon. He neither took the call nor called back.

As I sank in my chair, an email from him greeted me. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read it.

“I was enthusiastic to join your company and I was hopeful that I will have a successful career. But I was totally disappointed as I drove down to your office. The pathetic state of the roads leading to your Company and the frequent speed bumps crashed my hopes and my back. How can I work in a Company who don’t care for ergonomic needs of the employees?”

I fell off my chair.

I woke up to a splash of water on my face. My wife stood with a glass of water in her hand and “I-am-so-sick-of-this” look.

“Is it one of your regular nightmare or Are you having a real convulsion?”

I smiled happily.



Ram Mohan



Copyright© Ram Mohan



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PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.