I was quite elated after a successful talk at the national level event on Cloud Computing. My keynote address was well received and many folks congratulated me after the address for a fluent and thought provoking speech.
As I entered home whistling and humming my favorite song, my wife, who was busy looking at the slides through microscope, looked up with a surprised face.
“How come you don’t have a half dead look like every day?” She questioned.
“Well, I gave a nice speech on Cloud Computing today”. I smiled.
“What is Cloud Computing?” She asked.
A dark cloud cast a shadow on my face. I knew that I asked for trouble.
“Hmmm. Cloud Computing is when you can get access to all computing power and software without owning one”
“Don’t they call that Internet Cafes?” She had a sarcastic look.
“No this is cloud computing, it’s different.” I was not willing to give up.
“Why is this called Cloud Computing? Do they have computers on the cloud? What if the cloud drifts?”
“No, there are no computers on the cloud.” I laughed.
“Then why is it called cloud computing.” She was irritated.
“Because it uses multiple data centers across the world and the access can be through internet”. I tried to explain in layman terms.
“Then it should be called Internet Computing, Right? Why is it called cloud computing?”
“Because dear, Internet is on the cloud” I tried to go deeper.
“What? Internet is on the cloud? Since when? Is that the reason I don’t get my internet connections on a cloudy day?”
“No internet is not on cloud, honey”
“Be clear, just one second back you told internet is on cloud”. She was getting angry.
“No, please listen. Internet is connected through wireless and fiber optic wires which run through the seas. Since we can’t represent all those things pictorially, we connect it through a cloud.” I knew I was messing up. These doctors, they want everything crystal clear. Why can’t they imagine internet depicted as a cloud?
“Just because you can’t represent something, you call them cloud? This is ridiculous.” She paused. “You could have called it as “Fiber Optic Computing” or “Under Sea Computing”. What is this nonsense called cloud computing?”
“Well.” Words were not coming out of my mouth.
“How can you call that cloud computing? Where is the cloud here? Clouds are unpredictable, they drift away, and they bring rain. Why the heck are you naming it as cloud computing?”
“See honey, since the computing is done in a far off place which you don’t know, they call it as cloud computing” I tried to reason.
“But you can see the cloud.” She said. “You should have called invisible computing or far off computing, right?”
I could not see any silver lining on this cloud.
“And you are beaming like a laser ray after this stupid talk? Cloud computing I believe.” She laughed. “Imagine us saying Oh! Now we have a cloud cure for cancer, or let us do this surgery in the cloud! People will stone us.” Sarcasm was all over her face.
“But today, cloud computing is the talk of the town honey.” I said.
“So what does this cloud computing do?” She asked
“Well, pretty much it does the same thing what your computers do, but at a lower cost. Since the computing is done at far off data center and is shared among many users, it will be cheap”
“This is ridiculous” She said. “May dad used to say the same thing when he used to operate an EDP center using a main frame 40 years ago.”
“I can’t understand you IT guys, you give some new stupid name to something which is already decades old or may never work for next few decades and talk for years on that subject.” She looked disgusted.
“Well” I whimpered again. I was kicked out of cloud nine in just 2 minutes.
Ram Mohan
Copyright© Ram Mohan
Written permission from the author is required to copy or reproduce this article
Disclaimer:
PS: This is a fictitious article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Mark to Market
The buzz word floating around today is Mark to Market losses. Millions of dollars of reported losses are pointed towards this alien word called “Mark to Market”. It was shameful that I never understood this though everyone is talking about it. What if someone in my group asks me about it? What a shame!
I became determined to explore this complex set of words ‘Mark to Market”.
Let me start with young guys, I thought. The best area to catch them is the “Smoking Zone”. I have seen these young dudes take a deep drag and enter into a pensive mood. I always felt that they will be at their intellectual heights as soon as they have their first drag. I caught one as soon as he took that first drag.
“Well, excuse me?” I said.
Not expecting this intrusion, he started coughing.
“Sorry. Do you know what “Mark to Market” is?
“Hmm! Mark to Market. Hmm! Sounds good. Must be a Rock Band.”
“This dude is cool” I thought as I left that place.
During my morning walks in the park, I have seen several old, wise men discussing everything from poetry to politics. I have seen some of those loud spoken ones opinions are often taken as perfect judgment. I approached one of those loud spoken old, wise man and asked him about Mark to Market.
“You see, nowadays, everything depend on marks. You need good marks to get an engineering or medical seat. You need marks even for government jobs. Every private organization conduct tests and based on the marks, they employ people. The situation is so marks dependent, that even the market is given marks. Mark to Market means “marks” the exchange has got based on the sensex”. The old, wise man passed his judgment.
Somewhere in mind, I felt that this can’t be so simple. I continued my exploration.
I went to a well known chartered accountant. He was extremely busy with several individuals and organizations tax filing data. He told me he had just five minutes for me. That was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to de-mystify this “Mark to Market” with a simple definition. I asked him to concisely tell me what the “Mark to Market “is.
“Mark-to-market or fair value accounting refers to the accounting standards of assigning a value to a position held in a financial instrument based on the current fair market price for the instrument or similar instruments”. He said.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“That is exactly what I told you”. Irritation was all over his face. I left never understanding a word.
The next stop was a management institute. I met the dean of Financial Management. He took me to an empty class and filled the black board with bar charts, pie charts, complex formulae and bored me to death for one hour. I ran out, the moment I realized that I had almost forgotten my question.
Nowhere else to go, I approached our CFO and pleaded to help me out. He laughed and said.
“Look, let us be clear. What is your issue? Is it “Mark to Market” definition or is it the shame that you are not able to explain?”
“I think it is the latter”. I admitted.
“Don’t worry. I don’t think anybody has understood this. All you need to do is to use the following answers to any question that is related to Mark to market Losses. Sometimes you have to use all of them”.
“What are those?” I was curious.
“Note down”. He said and I promptly took out my pen and the book.
1. “It all depends on whether Rupee appreciates or depreciates”
2. “It depends if we hedge, but we have to hedge”
3. “It is bad but it can be good”
4. “Our exposure is quite limited. Again it depends on how much we hedge”
5. “Everyone is exposed to it. We are no exception”
6. “It is a loss, but it is actually not a loss”
7. “ This year it was a loss, next year it can be a profit or it can be a loss”
“That’s it?” I asked.
“That’s it” He smiled.
Copyright© Ram Mohan
Written permission from the author is required to copy or reproduce this article
Disclaimer:
PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
I became determined to explore this complex set of words ‘Mark to Market”.
Let me start with young guys, I thought. The best area to catch them is the “Smoking Zone”. I have seen these young dudes take a deep drag and enter into a pensive mood. I always felt that they will be at their intellectual heights as soon as they have their first drag. I caught one as soon as he took that first drag.
“Well, excuse me?” I said.
Not expecting this intrusion, he started coughing.
“Sorry. Do you know what “Mark to Market” is?
“Hmm! Mark to Market. Hmm! Sounds good. Must be a Rock Band.”
“This dude is cool” I thought as I left that place.
During my morning walks in the park, I have seen several old, wise men discussing everything from poetry to politics. I have seen some of those loud spoken ones opinions are often taken as perfect judgment. I approached one of those loud spoken old, wise man and asked him about Mark to Market.
“You see, nowadays, everything depend on marks. You need good marks to get an engineering or medical seat. You need marks even for government jobs. Every private organization conduct tests and based on the marks, they employ people. The situation is so marks dependent, that even the market is given marks. Mark to Market means “marks” the exchange has got based on the sensex”. The old, wise man passed his judgment.
Somewhere in mind, I felt that this can’t be so simple. I continued my exploration.
I went to a well known chartered accountant. He was extremely busy with several individuals and organizations tax filing data. He told me he had just five minutes for me. That was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to de-mystify this “Mark to Market” with a simple definition. I asked him to concisely tell me what the “Mark to Market “is.
“Mark-to-market or fair value accounting refers to the accounting standards of assigning a value to a position held in a financial instrument based on the current fair market price for the instrument or similar instruments”. He said.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“That is exactly what I told you”. Irritation was all over his face. I left never understanding a word.
The next stop was a management institute. I met the dean of Financial Management. He took me to an empty class and filled the black board with bar charts, pie charts, complex formulae and bored me to death for one hour. I ran out, the moment I realized that I had almost forgotten my question.
Nowhere else to go, I approached our CFO and pleaded to help me out. He laughed and said.
“Look, let us be clear. What is your issue? Is it “Mark to Market” definition or is it the shame that you are not able to explain?”
“I think it is the latter”. I admitted.
“Don’t worry. I don’t think anybody has understood this. All you need to do is to use the following answers to any question that is related to Mark to market Losses. Sometimes you have to use all of them”.
“What are those?” I was curious.
“Note down”. He said and I promptly took out my pen and the book.
1. “It all depends on whether Rupee appreciates or depreciates”
2. “It depends if we hedge, but we have to hedge”
3. “It is bad but it can be good”
4. “Our exposure is quite limited. Again it depends on how much we hedge”
5. “Everyone is exposed to it. We are no exception”
6. “It is a loss, but it is actually not a loss”
7. “ This year it was a loss, next year it can be a profit or it can be a loss”
“That’s it?” I asked.
“That’s it” He smiled.
Copyright© Ram Mohan
Written permission from the author is required to copy or reproduce this article
Disclaimer:
PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Elevator Pitch
Finally the review of the services presentation got over. As he had to catch a flight, my boss asked me to walk with him to the door so that he can get some final clarifications. Walking briskly, I continued to give the highlights of the sales plan. He asked “How about the elevator pitch?”
Old age is catching up; I thought and continued to share my highlights a bit loudly.
“Not elevated pitch, Ram”. He calmed me down. “I meant elevator pitch”.
What the heck is this elevator pitch?
I went back to my desk and did research (Oh! By the way, be a little wary of this phrase “I did my research”. It actually means that the key words are googled, the first two urls are opened and the conclusion is based on the information from those two urls)
“An elevator pitch is a short and concise sales pitch for a product, service, or project. The pitch is so called because it can be delivered to the prospect during the time span in an elevator ride.”
Really!! Can you sell anything in an elevator? Duh?
Whenever you enter the elevator, people inside give you such a disgusted look for causing a midway halt of their journey, giving you a feeling that they have purchased premium tickets for the elevator ride while you have entered with a free pass.
Can you sell anything to them?
As you enter, they tend to close their eyes and enter into meditation just to avoid any possible eye contact. Their pensive mood indicates long distance travel into space. Some even gaze up to top right or left corner of the elevator as if world cup final or superbowl is telecast in that corner.
Do they really buy anything from you? Not even packaged peanuts!!
I really wonder who coined this name “Elevator Pitch”. Were they on something? It is high time some serious analysts in Wharton, Harward and Tuck school analyze the effectiveness of selling in an elevator.
Assume that some prospect want to listen to your elevator pitch. By the time you remove your laptop, start Windows and get to the power point slide, the elevator would have completed its tenth trip. Your prospect would have already started the first meeting in her office.
Imagine the awkwardness of holding the laptop in your left hand with the laptop bag tucked between your legs and right hand pointing at critical bullets of your elevator pitch. Yeah right! Your prospect is all ears to listen and buy your goods and services!!
What if the elevator is an express elevator as like the one in the Empire State Building? By the time you open your mouth to start the pitch; you hear the elevator bell ring and see your prospect walk out of the elevator while your mouth is still open!
Imagine the plight of fellow travelers in the elevator. I am sure a couple of law suits will be on your way for mental torture during stressful time of the elevator ride.
I just can’t understand why our sales and marketing guys are so fond of elevator pitch. C’mon guys, wake up. The least your prospect want in an elevator is your sales pitch.
Let us take a look at your prospect’s probable thoughts in the elevator.
• His goof up in the last meeting and strategy to cover up
• List of do’s and don’ts during his next visit to his shrink
• The list of next set of employees eligible for pink slip
• Excuse he is planning to give his wife for his stupidity
• How to deal with his demented boss and/or subordinates
• His evening adventures
Do you really think he gives a damn to your elevator pitch?
Can elevator pitch ever be successful?
There is only one small probability of a successful elevator pitch.
Make sure that your prospect is alone in the elevator. Wait until the elevator doors are closed. Hold a gun on his head and say “Give me the business, or else…….”
Unfortunately, in all higher probability, you will be in the nearest high security correction facility busily preparing an elevator pitch to the warden, begging pardon.
Ram Mohan
Copyright© Ram Mohan
Written permission from the author is required to copy or reproduce this article
Disclaimer:
PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
Old age is catching up; I thought and continued to share my highlights a bit loudly.
“Not elevated pitch, Ram”. He calmed me down. “I meant elevator pitch”.
What the heck is this elevator pitch?
I went back to my desk and did research (Oh! By the way, be a little wary of this phrase “I did my research”. It actually means that the key words are googled, the first two urls are opened and the conclusion is based on the information from those two urls)
“An elevator pitch is a short and concise sales pitch for a product, service, or project. The pitch is so called because it can be delivered to the prospect during the time span in an elevator ride.”
Really!! Can you sell anything in an elevator? Duh?
Whenever you enter the elevator, people inside give you such a disgusted look for causing a midway halt of their journey, giving you a feeling that they have purchased premium tickets for the elevator ride while you have entered with a free pass.
Can you sell anything to them?
As you enter, they tend to close their eyes and enter into meditation just to avoid any possible eye contact. Their pensive mood indicates long distance travel into space. Some even gaze up to top right or left corner of the elevator as if world cup final or superbowl is telecast in that corner.
Do they really buy anything from you? Not even packaged peanuts!!
I really wonder who coined this name “Elevator Pitch”. Were they on something? It is high time some serious analysts in Wharton, Harward and Tuck school analyze the effectiveness of selling in an elevator.
Assume that some prospect want to listen to your elevator pitch. By the time you remove your laptop, start Windows and get to the power point slide, the elevator would have completed its tenth trip. Your prospect would have already started the first meeting in her office.
Imagine the awkwardness of holding the laptop in your left hand with the laptop bag tucked between your legs and right hand pointing at critical bullets of your elevator pitch. Yeah right! Your prospect is all ears to listen and buy your goods and services!!
What if the elevator is an express elevator as like the one in the Empire State Building? By the time you open your mouth to start the pitch; you hear the elevator bell ring and see your prospect walk out of the elevator while your mouth is still open!
Imagine the plight of fellow travelers in the elevator. I am sure a couple of law suits will be on your way for mental torture during stressful time of the elevator ride.
I just can’t understand why our sales and marketing guys are so fond of elevator pitch. C’mon guys, wake up. The least your prospect want in an elevator is your sales pitch.
Let us take a look at your prospect’s probable thoughts in the elevator.
• His goof up in the last meeting and strategy to cover up
• List of do’s and don’ts during his next visit to his shrink
• The list of next set of employees eligible for pink slip
• Excuse he is planning to give his wife for his stupidity
• How to deal with his demented boss and/or subordinates
• His evening adventures
Do you really think he gives a damn to your elevator pitch?
Can elevator pitch ever be successful?
There is only one small probability of a successful elevator pitch.
Make sure that your prospect is alone in the elevator. Wait until the elevator doors are closed. Hold a gun on his head and say “Give me the business, or else…….”
Unfortunately, in all higher probability, you will be in the nearest high security correction facility busily preparing an elevator pitch to the warden, begging pardon.
Ram Mohan
Copyright© Ram Mohan
Written permission from the author is required to copy or reproduce this article
Disclaimer:
PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Lateral Shift
The “D” day arrived.
As it increasingly became difficult to hire laterally, the Company had decided to choose the head of recruitment through lottery. There were no takers for the job.
The senior managers assembled in the conference room. The anxiety and tension was palpable. Everyone gasped as the chairman picked the name from the pot. My worst nightmare happened. It was my name!!
I collapsed as my colleagues gave me sympathetic look. My boss consoled me and took me back to my chair. He told me not to lose heart and gave me some tips. As he ushered me to “my cabin”, I had a strange feeling of going to the gallows.
The day used to start with me sending thousands of “applications” to the potential candidates only to see no response. Some responses were very furious and threatened me not to solicit and keep away from them. Some candidates even sent legal notices for aggressively soliciting them and destroying their peace.
Days followed with no luck. I started losing my mental balance. My boss used to come once in a way to console me. He asked me to try harder; else I may lose my job!
“Eureka”! I shouted on a Monday morning. A candidate had accepted to see me. My colleagues congratulated me.
He had asked me to come to “Coffee Day” at Indiranagar at 8:00 AM sharp on Friday. I just could not contain my happiness. I distributed sweets and took my family for a dinner at one of the most expensive restaurants.
I woke up at 5:00 AM on Friday. I was nervous and anxious. Wearing one my most expensive suits, I looked at the mirror as I sprayed imported cologne. “I am looking smart today”, I complimented myself. I was at Coffee Day at 7:30 AM. I again checked if the offer letter was ready and the portable printer was working well.
I started losing hope as I looked at my watch. It was 10:00 AM and still no sign of the candidate.
Finally at 10:30 he arrived. I could not miss him as I had his photograph, which was inserted in his resume, etched in my memory. He was wearing a faded jeans and T shirt. Just like other candidates, he had worn his cap opposite way. The “Hawaii” slippers also looked faded.
“Can we move to the smoking section?”
“Sure”, I cursed myself failing to notice cigarette in his hand. I scrambled myself picking the laptop and the printer and walked behind him.
I spent one full hour carefully presenting our Company credentials to him. I made sure to stress the employee benefits. I was tempted to ask some questions on his experience, but didn’t dare to do so.
“Not bad”. He said approvingly. “Can I have some references?”
I felt relieved and jubilated. “Sure”. I had already kept the references ready to take the call, just in case.
I left the area and went outside as he talked to all the three references leisurely. My heart was pounding!!
“You guys have some good references”. He smiled as I walked in after he gestured to come in.
I returned his smile, shyly.
“OK, do you have the offer?” He looked serious.
I immediately took the print out and handed over to him. I stood with folded hands looking at his expressions.
“You have given only 215% increase. Though I had asked 200%, some companies offer significantly more than that”. He really looked upset.
“It is still more than your expectations.” I whimpered.
“OK, I will get back to you in couple of weeks. I need to go now.”
“Thank you for your time.” I left hoping for the best.
My joy knew no bounds when he got back to me after three weeks. He had accepted the offer!! My job was saved.
It was a festive day for the entire recruitment team on the day of joining.
The photographers were ready in the reception and the front desk ladies were having a garland in hand. The admin guys were busy rolling the red carpet.
As the clock ticked, my heart pounded faster. It was 9:00 AM and there was no trace of him. His cell phone was switched off. Based on my interview experience, I asked my colleagues to be calm. But our hopes faded around 12:30 noon. He neither took the call nor called back.
As I sank in my chair, an email from him greeted me. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read it.
“I was enthusiastic to join your company and I was hopeful that I will have a successful career. But I was totally disappointed as I drove down to your office. The pathetic state of the roads leading to your Company and the frequent speed bumps crashed my hopes and my back. How can I work in a Company who don’t care for ergonomic needs of the employees?”
I fell off my chair.
I woke up to a splash of water on my face. My wife stood with a glass of water in her hand and “I-am-so-sick-of-this” look.
“Is it one of your regular nightmare or Are you having a real convulsion?”
I smiled happily.
Ram Mohan
Copyright© Ram Mohan
Written permission from the author is required to copy or reproduce this article
Disclaimer:
PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
As it increasingly became difficult to hire laterally, the Company had decided to choose the head of recruitment through lottery. There were no takers for the job.
The senior managers assembled in the conference room. The anxiety and tension was palpable. Everyone gasped as the chairman picked the name from the pot. My worst nightmare happened. It was my name!!
I collapsed as my colleagues gave me sympathetic look. My boss consoled me and took me back to my chair. He told me not to lose heart and gave me some tips. As he ushered me to “my cabin”, I had a strange feeling of going to the gallows.
The day used to start with me sending thousands of “applications” to the potential candidates only to see no response. Some responses were very furious and threatened me not to solicit and keep away from them. Some candidates even sent legal notices for aggressively soliciting them and destroying their peace.
Days followed with no luck. I started losing my mental balance. My boss used to come once in a way to console me. He asked me to try harder; else I may lose my job!
“Eureka”! I shouted on a Monday morning. A candidate had accepted to see me. My colleagues congratulated me.
He had asked me to come to “Coffee Day” at Indiranagar at 8:00 AM sharp on Friday. I just could not contain my happiness. I distributed sweets and took my family for a dinner at one of the most expensive restaurants.
I woke up at 5:00 AM on Friday. I was nervous and anxious. Wearing one my most expensive suits, I looked at the mirror as I sprayed imported cologne. “I am looking smart today”, I complimented myself. I was at Coffee Day at 7:30 AM. I again checked if the offer letter was ready and the portable printer was working well.
I started losing hope as I looked at my watch. It was 10:00 AM and still no sign of the candidate.
Finally at 10:30 he arrived. I could not miss him as I had his photograph, which was inserted in his resume, etched in my memory. He was wearing a faded jeans and T shirt. Just like other candidates, he had worn his cap opposite way. The “Hawaii” slippers also looked faded.
“Can we move to the smoking section?”
“Sure”, I cursed myself failing to notice cigarette in his hand. I scrambled myself picking the laptop and the printer and walked behind him.
I spent one full hour carefully presenting our Company credentials to him. I made sure to stress the employee benefits. I was tempted to ask some questions on his experience, but didn’t dare to do so.
“Not bad”. He said approvingly. “Can I have some references?”
I felt relieved and jubilated. “Sure”. I had already kept the references ready to take the call, just in case.
I left the area and went outside as he talked to all the three references leisurely. My heart was pounding!!
“You guys have some good references”. He smiled as I walked in after he gestured to come in.
I returned his smile, shyly.
“OK, do you have the offer?” He looked serious.
I immediately took the print out and handed over to him. I stood with folded hands looking at his expressions.
“You have given only 215% increase. Though I had asked 200%, some companies offer significantly more than that”. He really looked upset.
“It is still more than your expectations.” I whimpered.
“OK, I will get back to you in couple of weeks. I need to go now.”
“Thank you for your time.” I left hoping for the best.
My joy knew no bounds when he got back to me after three weeks. He had accepted the offer!! My job was saved.
It was a festive day for the entire recruitment team on the day of joining.
The photographers were ready in the reception and the front desk ladies were having a garland in hand. The admin guys were busy rolling the red carpet.
As the clock ticked, my heart pounded faster. It was 9:00 AM and there was no trace of him. His cell phone was switched off. Based on my interview experience, I asked my colleagues to be calm. But our hopes faded around 12:30 noon. He neither took the call nor called back.
As I sank in my chair, an email from him greeted me. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read it.
“I was enthusiastic to join your company and I was hopeful that I will have a successful career. But I was totally disappointed as I drove down to your office. The pathetic state of the roads leading to your Company and the frequent speed bumps crashed my hopes and my back. How can I work in a Company who don’t care for ergonomic needs of the employees?”
I fell off my chair.
I woke up to a splash of water on my face. My wife stood with a glass of water in her hand and “I-am-so-sick-of-this” look.
“Is it one of your regular nightmare or Are you having a real convulsion?”
I smiled happily.
Ram Mohan
Copyright© Ram Mohan
Written permission from the author is required to copy or reproduce this article
Disclaimer:
PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Work Life Balance
My laptop gave up on me.
I was neither able to connect to the network through Ethernet connection nor wireless connection.
The IS guy, after completing surgery on my laptop, gave me a sympathetic look. The bad news followed. “It looks like the BIOS or the driver is corrupted. You may have to get it from the vendor directly. As this is not our standard laptop, you have to call them and get it fixed”.
“You should always buy the company standard and not one-off make”. He advised and left the OT shrugging his shoulders.
“Well, too late buddy, I already have this one” I muttered. I had no option but to dial their help line.
“Acme Corporation, This is Sapna. How may I help you?” A pleasant voice answered my call. I was thrilled that I got the line first time.
“Hi. Sapna. You have to help my laptop. It is just not connecting to the network”. I could hear lot of noise.
“What is that noise, Sapna?”
“Oh! It is a crow sir.” She said.
“Crow?! Where are you speaking from Sapna?”
“From my home sir. Acme has recently introduced “work from home” concept to improve our work-life balance.”
“That’s nice. But can you please shoo that crow. It is really annoying.”
“Can you hold for a moment Sir?” She was on line after a moment. “It is gone now sir.”
“Thanks Sapna. But I still hear a buzz in the background”
“Oh. It is fan sir. We don’t have air conditioning at home sir. I am sorry”.
“That’s ok Sapna. I can live with that noise”
“OK. Now what was your problem sir”. She got down to business.
“My laptop. It is not connecting….”
“Can you give me your name, company, phone number, address, email, home number and the serial number of your laptop, sir?”
The worst part was the serial number. It had some 32 alphabets, 16 numbers and some Greek or Latin symbols. I always wonder why they make the serial number so complex. I am told that it is to track the exact laptop. Can they really do that? If so why? They don’t recall the laptops like cars!
It took me 10 minutes to make sure that Sapna got the right serial number.
I could hear her door bell ring several times.
“Sir, Can you hold for a moment. There is a courier at the door. If I don’t go now, the courier company will ask me to get the package from their office.”
“I sure can wait, Sapna”. I had no choice.
It took ten minutes for Sapna to be back.
“I am back sir. Sorry, what was your problem again?”
“My laptop…” There was a ring again.
“This time it doesn’t sound like the door bell Sapna” I was curious.
“Oh. It is the timer of my oven. I am baking pizza. My son loves pizza and he always wants to eat pizza after he gets back from school. Can you hold for one more moment sir? Else the pizza will be burnt.”
“Is there anything else on the stove Sapna? Make sure you are done with your kitchen work”
“You are very funny sir. I will be back in a moment.”
After ten minutes the pleasant voice of Sapna was back again. “Sorry to bother you again, can you repeat you problem again sir?”
“It is my laptop Sapna……Oh! No! It is the door bell again!!”
“It is my son. I will be back. Just hold on.”
I held on. I could hear Sapna scolding his son for getting his uniform dirty. To make the matter worse, the TV was switched on. Sapna was back.
“Your son loves Pokemon, Sapna?”
“Oh. Yeah. You are very sharp sir. How did you know?”
“It is loud and clear, Sapna”. I tried to tone down my sarcasm. She hardly noticed it anyways.
“Well, let us start all over again, sir.”
There was a Thud. A moment of silence, followed by Sapna’s screams.
“Babloo, How may times have I told you not to play cricket in home. The TV is broken. Wait until Papa comes home!”
“I am so sorry for keeping you so long Sir. Again what was the problem with your desk top Sir?” The voice was not pleasant now.
“It is not my desk top…. Oh. Never mind, my problem is trivial. You take care of yourself Sapna.”
“Thank you for calling Acme Sir. Please visit our website and fill up the survey sir. We are taking the survey to measure the effectiveness of the “work at home concept”
“Sure I will, Sapna”
Copyright Ram Mohan. Please seek written permission from Ram Mohan for any reproduction of this work.
PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
I was neither able to connect to the network through Ethernet connection nor wireless connection.
The IS guy, after completing surgery on my laptop, gave me a sympathetic look. The bad news followed. “It looks like the BIOS or the driver is corrupted. You may have to get it from the vendor directly. As this is not our standard laptop, you have to call them and get it fixed”.
“You should always buy the company standard and not one-off make”. He advised and left the OT shrugging his shoulders.
“Well, too late buddy, I already have this one” I muttered. I had no option but to dial their help line.
“Acme Corporation, This is Sapna. How may I help you?” A pleasant voice answered my call. I was thrilled that I got the line first time.
“Hi. Sapna. You have to help my laptop. It is just not connecting to the network”. I could hear lot of noise.
“What is that noise, Sapna?”
“Oh! It is a crow sir.” She said.
“Crow?! Where are you speaking from Sapna?”
“From my home sir. Acme has recently introduced “work from home” concept to improve our work-life balance.”
“That’s nice. But can you please shoo that crow. It is really annoying.”
“Can you hold for a moment Sir?” She was on line after a moment. “It is gone now sir.”
“Thanks Sapna. But I still hear a buzz in the background”
“Oh. It is fan sir. We don’t have air conditioning at home sir. I am sorry”.
“That’s ok Sapna. I can live with that noise”
“OK. Now what was your problem sir”. She got down to business.
“My laptop. It is not connecting….”
“Can you give me your name, company, phone number, address, email, home number and the serial number of your laptop, sir?”
The worst part was the serial number. It had some 32 alphabets, 16 numbers and some Greek or Latin symbols. I always wonder why they make the serial number so complex. I am told that it is to track the exact laptop. Can they really do that? If so why? They don’t recall the laptops like cars!
It took me 10 minutes to make sure that Sapna got the right serial number.
I could hear her door bell ring several times.
“Sir, Can you hold for a moment. There is a courier at the door. If I don’t go now, the courier company will ask me to get the package from their office.”
“I sure can wait, Sapna”. I had no choice.
It took ten minutes for Sapna to be back.
“I am back sir. Sorry, what was your problem again?”
“My laptop…” There was a ring again.
“This time it doesn’t sound like the door bell Sapna” I was curious.
“Oh. It is the timer of my oven. I am baking pizza. My son loves pizza and he always wants to eat pizza after he gets back from school. Can you hold for one more moment sir? Else the pizza will be burnt.”
“Is there anything else on the stove Sapna? Make sure you are done with your kitchen work”
“You are very funny sir. I will be back in a moment.”
After ten minutes the pleasant voice of Sapna was back again. “Sorry to bother you again, can you repeat you problem again sir?”
“It is my laptop Sapna……Oh! No! It is the door bell again!!”
“It is my son. I will be back. Just hold on.”
I held on. I could hear Sapna scolding his son for getting his uniform dirty. To make the matter worse, the TV was switched on. Sapna was back.
“Your son loves Pokemon, Sapna?”
“Oh. Yeah. You are very sharp sir. How did you know?”
“It is loud and clear, Sapna”. I tried to tone down my sarcasm. She hardly noticed it anyways.
“Well, let us start all over again, sir.”
There was a Thud. A moment of silence, followed by Sapna’s screams.
“Babloo, How may times have I told you not to play cricket in home. The TV is broken. Wait until Papa comes home!”
“I am so sorry for keeping you so long Sir. Again what was the problem with your desk top Sir?” The voice was not pleasant now.
“It is not my desk top…. Oh. Never mind, my problem is trivial. You take care of yourself Sapna.”
“Thank you for calling Acme Sir. Please visit our website and fill up the survey sir. We are taking the survey to measure the effectiveness of the “work at home concept”
“Sure I will, Sapna”
Copyright Ram Mohan. Please seek written permission from Ram Mohan for any reproduction of this work.
PS: This is a fictitious humorous article and the characters and situations are my imagination. If it resembles any real life persons or situations, it is purely coincidental.
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